Content copyright 2021. mighty mike. All rights reserved.
THE COMPLETE UNDERGROUND
JOKE BOOK LIBRARY!!!
*FREE WITH EVERY DONATION OVER*
~~~ $10.00 ~~~
"THIS COLLECTION OF JOKES, FUNNIES AND BOOKS TOOK DECADES
TO COMPLETE AND YEARS TO COMPILE!
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST LIBRARY OF SOME
OF THE BEST OF THE UNDERGROUND
AND BBS JOKE BOOKS, TOP # LISTS, JOKES, ONE LINERS,
PICK UP LINERS, FUNNY STORIES, ETHNIC JOKES,
RACIST JOKES, PRACTICAL JOKES, PRANKS,
WORDS OF WISDOM, URBAN MYTHS, TESTS, SONGS, QUOTES, SAYINGS, BUMPER STICKERS & SHIRT SAYINGS,
DIRTY JOKES, WEIRD NEWS, RHYMES, SLOGANS,
TAG-LINES, PISS-OFF LINERS, YOUR MOMMA LINERS
& EVERY THING ELSE FUNNY IN BETWEEN,
ETC, ETC, ETC...! THE LIST GOES ON!!!
THIS IS AN VERY EXTENSIVE LIBRARY OF FUNNIES!!!
THESE ARE THE BEST OF THE BEST
AND THE BEST OF THE REST!!!
CLASSICS JOKES AND MORE!
A life time of laughter! in one massive library!!!
Preserved from the past generations!
& will be funny as hell to our future generations a library
SHURE TO BE PRESERVED FOR ALL OF HISTORY TO COME!
Here are some teasers sure to be pleasers!!!
This is just a taste to put a smile on your face!!!
This library contains a massive amount of humor
sure to keep you rolling for years to come.
After reading some of the texts in these books and files,
you will always know a one liner,
or a slide liner to throw back at some smart ass,
a great pick up line, a good joke or
a funny story sure to break to silence
and get your party started!
EXCITING NOTE: jokes get people laid!!!
if your a loner with a boner,
or a girly wanting a cruelly!
Use just one of these pick up lines,
followed with a good joke and you be on your
way to fame, with a night of shame!
Got an old person keeping you down?
Kill them with laughter!
works great before old people use the crapper!!!
Just tell a good a good joke, before they drop
a BIG bloke! and they are sure
to die with laughter!
(Please Note: UNFORTUNATLY lots of people DO die on the toilet in general!
So if this really DOSE happen to you! don't blame yourself!!!
But still makes a good laugh to ease the loss!!!
Also Note: it will probably happen to most of you also! SORRY.)
HERE IS A VERY, VERY SMALL SAMPLE OF WHAT
YOU WILL GET IN THIS JOKE LIBRARY! WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS ONE OF MY FIRST BOOKS!
THERE'S 1,000'S BITS MORE TO GET YOU
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR!
PLEASE NOTE: THESE ARE ONLY A SMALL SAMPLE
of what this library contains. it only gets better!!!
WELL WORTH DONATING FOR!!!
================================
~~~ A QUICK NOTE ~~~
THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN
~ THE GRAND UNDERGROUND JOKE BOOK LIBRARY! ~
THIS LIBRARY CONTAINS A MASSIVE COLLECTION OF WORK WHICH
ALL MEETS THE STRICT CRITERIA OF FUNNY!
HOWEVER, SOME OF THE WORK MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A LITTLE TO FUNNY,
A LITTLE TO FAR OUT THERE, A LITTLE TO DIRTY
OR EVEN A LITTLE TO RACIST!!!
THIS IS AN UNRATED AND UNEDITED RAW LIBRARY!!!
THIS IS THE TRUE UNDERGROUND BOOKS, TEXTS AND FILES!
THIS LIBRARY IS A PRESERVATION OF THAT WORK.
THIS IS THE WORK WHICH HAS FILLED PEOPLES SENSES
WITH EXCITEMENT AND LAUGHTER!
THIS LIBRARY TOUCHES ALL LEVELS OF HUMOR.
A WIDE RANGE OF JOKES AND FUNNIES
TO TICKLE EVERYONES FUNNY BONE!
SOME OF THE JOKES AND HUMOR SOME WILL FIND INSULTING!!!
AND SOME OF THE JOKES AND HUMOR MIGHT MAKE YOU MAD!!!
HOWEVER, ALL JOKES IN THIS LIBRARY SHOULD BE VIEWED AS JOKES ONLY.
NOT PERSONAL INSULTS OR WHAT SOME MIGHT SEEM
AS STEREOTYPICAL BADGERING!!
THE PUBLISHERS, AUTHORS AND DISTRIBUTERS MIGHT NOT NECESSARILY AGREE WITH THE HUMOR OF ALL JOKES CONTAINED IN THIS LIBRARY!
HOWEVER, SPENT GREAT AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY TO PRESERVE
THE COLLECTION OF ALL LEVELS AND TYPES OF HUMOR
FOR OUR FUTURE GENERATIONS TO ENJOY!
WE HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY THIS WORK AS MUCH
AS WE DID PUTTING IT TOGETHER!
NOW, PLEASE ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH!
THANK YOU...!
~ SMART ASS HUMOR ~
PLEASE ENJOY THIS BOOK!!!
I HOPE IF YOU ENJOY THIS! YOUR THRUST FOR MORE WILL INSPIRE YOU
TO DONATE FOR THIS INCREDIBLE LIBRARY OF HUMOR!
AND PLEASE IF YOU DON'T DONATE BUT ENJOYED THESE JOKES,
TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE YOU GOT THEM!
WORD OF MOUTH IS OUR STRONGEST TOOL!
ENJOY THIS SMALL SAMPLE BOOK TO GET YOU ROLLING!
P.S. PLEASE LOVE OUR TYPOS, CAPS AND ALLOT OF !!!...!
WE HAVE LOTS AND WE LOVE THEM!!!
NOW LET THE FUNNIES BEGIN...!
NOW ENJOY THESE TEASERS!
=================================================================
- JOKES -
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dicktater.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Q: Why don't witches ever have babies?
A: 'Cause warloks have hollow-weenies.
Q: Why can't Gypsies have children?
A: Because all the men have crystal balls.
Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.
Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.
Q: How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?
A: Give her a couple "test-tickles".
Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Screw an old bag
Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
A: She's the one with dirty knees
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat
a blowjob.
Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."
Q: What's another reason God created the orgasm?
A: Because he couldn't wait for the second coming.
Q: Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?
A: First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts
following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole
and you best friend is a cunt.
Q: What's better than having a rose on your piano?
A: Having Tulips on your organ.
Q: What is the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.
Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!
Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Q: What's the worst part about having AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind!
Q: What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for?
A: Anally Inserted Death Sentence.
Q: What does GAY stand for?
A: Got AIDS Yet?
Q: What do you call two skunks doing "69"?
A: "Odor eaters".
Q: How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish?
A: He says, "Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?"
Q: How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?
A: "Trust me".
Q: What's green and hates Jews?
A: Snotzies.
Q: Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions?
A: He only took tips.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Q: What do you call a pimple on a Polacks ass?
A: A brain tumor
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: How do you get 3 Polacks off a couch?
A: Jerk 1 off and the other 2 cum
Q: How do you sink a Polish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch!
Q: Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
A: They all meet at work.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who broke his neck raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: How do you keep a Polock in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
A: It opens on impact.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish assassin who was sent to blow up a car?
A: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: Why aren't there any ice cubes in Poland?
A: The inventor died and took the recipe with him.
Q: Where do the Polish keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies.
Q: Do you know how break dancing got started?
A: Black kids trying to steal hub caps off of moving cars.
Q: Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel?
A: He tried to jump 18 blacks with a steam roller.
Q: Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up
Q: How come there were no black people in the Flintstones?
A: They were all apes back then.
Q: How can you be sure that Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Did YOU ever try to take a rib from a black man?
Q: What did God say when he made his second black man.
A: "Oops, burned another one."
Q: Did you hear about the black guy who had diarrhea?
A: He thought he was melting.
Q: Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: It's called 101 ways to wok your dog
Q: Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are such perfect assholes!
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: A tooth fairy.
Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.
Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: Why does Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
A: He wants to go where no man has gone before.
Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a sesame seed on his head?
A: A Quarter Pounder.
Q: Have you heard about the Mexican 500 car race?
A: The first car to start wins.
Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
A: Bean Dip
Q: Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?
A: Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
Q: Do you know why they don't let Mexicans in the fire department?
A: Because they can't tell hose-a from hose-b!
Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company?
A: "Taco Bell."
Q: Why is semen white and pee yellow?
A: So Mexicans can tell if they're coming or going.
Q: What do you call a Mexican midget?
A: A speck.
Q: How does God make Mexicans?
A: By sandblasting blacks.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.
Q: Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate.
Q: If you are American in the kitchen - what are you in the bathroom ?
A: European.
Q: Why couldn't the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was "two" tired!
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.
Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just had a 31 day March!
Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?
A: Down Syndrome.
Q: What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: Know what is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something.
Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Q: Why can women only go 68 mph on the highway?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks!
Q: How come prostitutes never vote?
A: They don't care who get's in.
Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A: A "nightcrawler".
Q: What do peanut butter and hookers have in common?
A: They both spread for bread.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs?
A: They don't want anyone to know they've been fucking chickens.
Q: Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes?
A: He heals once a month.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?
A: Down Syndrome.
Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: They have a pecker on their face
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.
Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORE JOKES - #1.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotopuss
Why do women have vaginas?
If they didn't, men wouldn't talk to them.
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees
Why did Mickey Mouse have Minnie Mouse committed?
She was fucking Goofy
Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.
What is the first symptom of aids?
A heavy pounding in the rectum.
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me!
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
Why'd the queer get fired from the sperm bank?
Got caught drinking on the job.
Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What does a smart blonde and a UFO have in common?
You are always hearing about them, but you never actually see one.
What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the
fuzz?
No...but I have been swung around by the tits.
What do you call a blonde dyed brunette?
Artificial intelligence
What do you call three blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes
Did you hear that Home Base has come out with a new color of paint called
"Blonde" ? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.
What do you call a cow that has an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A f*cking know-it-all.
Where do prostitutes go for recycling?
The Virgin Islands.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of a** that brings tears to your eyes.
What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Roll-Aids.
What do Linda Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen.
How is sex like rain?
You never know how man inches you're going to get or how long it
will last.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A c*ck that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Why are all Jewish men circumcized?
Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They screw in hot tubs.
Why did Miss Piggy douche with honey and vinegar?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORE JOKES - #2.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy? He spit out the kittens after he was done.
What's the sticky white stuff in women's panties? Clitty litter.
Why is a vagina like a coffin? It can only handle one stiff at a time.
1st Pole: "Oh, no! The cops are following us. Are their flashers on?" 2nd Pole: "Yep ...nope...yep...nope..."
How does an Aftican-American fairy tale start? "You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit...."
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink till the room spins.
What were the captain of the oil tanker Valdez's last words? "No, I said Tanqueray on the rocks!"
Three very old women were sitting on a park bench when a flasher
came up, pulled his raincoat open and exposed his erect penis to them.
The first old woman had a stroke; the second old woman had a stroke;
but the third old woman's arms were too short to reach!
Question: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
Answer: Because they like to run their hand through their hair.
Do you know why blacks and Chinese persons don't intermarry?
Because they're afraid their kids would be called chiggers!
Former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy
were on a boat sailing around Cape Cod, when all of a sudden the boat
springs a leak and water starts pouring in.
Jimmy Carter cries, "Women and children first, women and children
first!"
Nixon scowls and says, "Fuck the women and children."
Jack Kennedy says, "Is there time?"
A Polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to
the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly,
and the girl cried out, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Did you hear about the Polack who was asked if he would like to
become a Jehovah Witness said no because he had not seen the accident!
Did you hear about the Polack who thought Moby Dick was a
venereal disease?
Did you hear about the two Polacks who were hunting deer and
other wild game in the north woods when they came upon a naked woman
sitting on a stump? One said to her, are you game? She smiled and said
she was; so, the other Polack shot her!
What are three things you can't give to a black man?
Answer: a black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
Question: What has eight legs and goes "Ho dee dough," "Ho dee
dough?"
Answer: Four blacks running toward an elevator.
Question: What's 3 two-letter words that mean small?
Answer: "Is it in?"
A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she
could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended
Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do
you give someone shoulders?"
Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to
get pregnant?
She blew both of them.
What do blacks use for jock itch?
Answer: Black Flag.
Question: Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse
who were stranded together on a desert island? Answer: After
three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing
that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the
sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried
her.
What's the difference between a young whore and an
old whore?
Answer: A young whore uses Vaseline and an old whore uses
Poli-Grip.
How many animals can you find in a pair of
pantyhose?
Answer: Two calves; ten little piggies; one ass; one
pussy; one thousand hares; maybe some crabs; and a dead fish
nobody can find.
Why is life like a penis?
Answer: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat,
but when it's hard you get screwed.
Why can't you go the bathroom at a Beatle's concert?
A: There's no John.
What's the difference between a rubber and a coffin?
A: One is to come in and one is to go in.
What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies?
A: A zipper.
Why does Miss Piggy douche in vinegar and oil?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
How are bosses like diapers?? They're full of shit and
always on your ass.
This girl walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The
bartender says Anheisher Busch, and she says just fine....
What's the difference between rude and crude?
A: "Rude" is when you throw your underwear against the
wall. "Crude" is when it sticks.
What do you call the first teacher in space?
History.
You know God wouldn't have made women smell like fish...
...if he hadn't made cum look like tartar sauce.
Hear about the Alabama Highway Patrol car that hit an African-American so hard he flew thirty feet in the air? He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and a jockstrap? One's a dictator and the other's a dicktoter.
Hear about the gay judges who tried each other?
Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife?
he overheard someone call her a pig.
Pole #1: "Hey. look at the dead bird."
Pole #2, looking up in the sky: "Where?"
Two conceited people fucking--
She: "Aren't I tight?"
He: "No, just full."
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Spaniard?
Spic and Span.
Why do African-American men like pussy so much?
Because the outside looks like watermelon and the inside smells like catfish.
Polish cop #1: "Didn't I tell you to cover the exits?"
Polish copy #2: "I did. He must have left through one of the entrances."
Tarzan: "What name?"
Jane: "Jane."
Tarzan: "What whole name?"
Jane: "Cunt."
Where do fags park?
In the rear.
Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy? He spit out the kittens after he was done.
Why is a vagina like a coffin? It can only handle one stiff at a time.
1st Pole: "Oh, no! The cops are following us. Are their flashers on?" 2nd Pole: "Yep ...nope...yep...nope..."
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink till the room spins.
What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.
What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
Found written on a restroom wall once:
Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend!
What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her 6 male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.
Three very old women were sitting on a park bench when a flasher
came up, pulled his raincoat open and exposed his erect penis to them.
The first old woman had a stroke; the second old woman had a stroke;
but the third old woman's arms were too short to reach!
Question: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
Answer: Because they like to run their hand through their hair.
Do you know why blacks and Chinese persons don't intermarry?
Because they're afraid their kids would be called chiggers!
Former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy
were on a boat sailing around Cape Cod, when all of a sudden the boat
springs a leak and water starts pouring in.
Jimmy Carter cries, "Women and children first, women and children
first!"
Nixon scowls and says, "Fuck the women and children."
Jack Kennedy says, "Is there time?"
A Polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to
the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly,
and the girl cried out, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Did you hear about the Polack who was asked if he would like to
become a Jehovah Witness said no because he had not seen the accident!
Did you hear about the Polack who thought Moby Dick was a
venereal disease?
Did you hear about the two Polacks who were hunting deer and
other wild game in the north woods when they came upon a naked woman
sitting on a stump? One said to her, are you game? She smiled and said
she was; so, the other Polack shot her!
What are three things you can't give to a black man?
Answer: a black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
Question: What has eight legs and goes "Ho dee dough," "Ho dee
dough?"
Answer: Four blacks running toward an elevator.
Question: What's 3 two-letter words that mean small?
Answer: "Is it in?"
A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she
could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended
Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do
you give someone shoulders?"
Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to
get pregnant?
She blew both of them.
What do blacks use for jock itch?
Answer: Black Flag.
What is "Fi-fi-fo, fo-fo-fi-fo?"
Answer: The mayor of Chicago's telephone number.
Question: Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse
who were stranded together on a desert island? Answer: After
three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing
that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the
sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried
her.
What's the difference between a young whore and an
old whore?
Answer: A young whore uses Vaseline and an old whore uses
Poli-Grip.
How many animals can you find in a pair of
pantyhose?
Answer: Two calves; ten little piggies; one ass; one
pussy; one thousand hares; maybe some crabs; and a dead fish
nobody can find.
Why is life like a penis?
Answer: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat,
but when it's hard you get screwed.
Why can't you go the bathroom at a Beatle's concert?
A: There's no John.
What's the difference between a rubber and a coffin?
A: One is to come in and one is to go in.
What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies?
A: A zipper.
Why does Miss Piggy douche in vinegar and oil?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
How are bosses like diapers?? They're full of shit and
always on your ass.
What's the difference between rude and crude?
A: "Rude" is when you throw your underwear against the
wall. "Crude" is when it sticks.
What do you call the first teacher in space?
History.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORE JOKES - #3.
This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every
time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife
came home and announced that she was going to the National
Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand
dollars with you every time you go to a convention."
He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you
have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?"
Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying
to kill him?
He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet.....
This guy gets his penis shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he
is reading the T.V. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he
can fix this.
When he gets to the doctor, he asks, "What do you use." The
doctor says, "Baby elephant trunks." So the guy decides to have
the surgery.
About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to
ask a lady out to dinner. As they are eating dinner, this thing
comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back
underneath the table.
The girl sees this and thinks to herself, "If that happens again,
I'm going to have to say something."
A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and
grabs another biscuit.
The lady says, "Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it
happens again, I'm going to get mad!"
The guy says, "Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs
another biscuit up my ass, I'm REALLY going to get mad!
I finally tried that Preparation H they're always talking about on
TV. It tasted terrible, gave me bad breath, stained my teeth, and
ruined my toothbrush.
So all you people recommending it, as far as I'm concerned, you can
just stick it up your ASS!
This drunk was sitting on a bar stool when this lady walked in
carrying a duck under her arm. Drunk said, "Where'd you get that
pig?"
Lady said, "That's no pig, it's a duck." Drunk said, "I wasn't
talking to you. I was talking to the duck!"
Have you heard about the NEW Feminine Hygiene spray?
It's called S.S.Y.
It takes the PU out of puSSY
This lawyer walked into a bar with a toad on his head and ordered a
beer. Bartender served him and asked "what's that?"
"I don't know", said the toad, "it started out as a wart on my ass."
Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven?
She traded her harp for an upright organ.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens.
Why is life like a d*ck?
When it's soft you can't beat it, but when it's hard, you're sure
to get f*cked.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Did you hear about the guy who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He was popping out of bed all night.
Did you hear they arrested Ronald McDonald?
He was caught putting his Big Mac into Wendy's Hot and Juicy.
Surely, that must have been a Whopper! And, oh, what buns!
What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession?
"It's better than being flat busted!"
Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering
legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana?
It's called the Joint Session of Congress.
The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states
bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood
control project. This is because Missouri loves company.
Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the
movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for
a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer.
God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences
once and for all.
Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, "Where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More jokes - #4.
A man with no arms and legs in a hole
Dug
A man with no arms and legs under a car
Jack
A man with no arms and legs in the garden
Pete
A man with no arms and legs in the water
Bob
2 men with no arms and legs on the window
Curt n rod
Another man with no arms and legs in a hole
Phil
what do you call a man on the beach if he has no arms and no legs?
sandy
what if it's a woman in the ocean?
sandy duncan.
What do you call a heart patient with no arms or legs in a pool.
Bob Newheart.
RE: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
How about DICK instead? :)
a guy with no arms and no legs with a sea gull on his head:
Cliff
a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean...
BOB
a guy with no arms and no legs in Idaho?
Spud!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs halfway down Tina Turner's throat?
Mike.
What do you call the same guy halfway down Linda Lovelace's throat?
Dick. *Ducks copies of "Deep Throat" being thrown*
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call the same guy in a pond?
Skip.
What do you call a guy in your mailbox with no arms and no legs?
Bill HA! *groan*
What do you call A man w/no arms & legs upside down in the endzone?
Spike
a man with no arms or legs in a bathroom...
John
What do you call a guy w/ no arms or legs on a bar-b-q grill?
Frank
What do yu call his girlfriend?
Patty
What do you call a chic w/ only one leg?
Ilene
What do you call a guy w/ no arms or legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a guy w/ no arms or legs on your doorstep?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a fireplace?
Bernie
And an hour later?
Ashley
What do you call a man with a wooden head ?
Edward.
What do you call a man with three wooden heads ?
Edward Woodward.
What do you call a dog with no legs...
...doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyways.
What do you call a dog with short legs and brass balls??
Sparky!!
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him for a drag.
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards????
A receding hair line !!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you call a bunch of cattle masturbating...
...beef stroganoff.
--=-=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--
One of those Polish Jokes...
There were three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and an American guy.
They all did something very bad that they weren't supposed to do with this
kings daughter. The King said, "I am going to shoot and kill each and every
one of you." The American, the Italian and the Polish begged,"Please, please
don't kill us." The king felt sorry for them and said, "Ok, here's the deal:
You each have to pick a different fruit, and shove it up your butt. If you
reach 100 without laughing, then you are free to live." The Italian, Polish
and American thought this was a pretty good deal. So, the American got 100
grapes, he made it up to 57, looked over his shoulder, and started laughing,
so the king shot him. Next was the Italian, he had chosen strawberries. He
reached 98, looked over his shoulder, and started cracking up. The king then
said,"Ok, you reached really close to one hundred, so I'll let you go. But
just tell me, what the heck is so funny." The Italian replied, "The Polish
picked watermelons!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PICK-UP LINES
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her
that I just met the girl of my dreams.
3. Is your dad a thief?? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes?
(Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "Yes.")
4. Your so hot, you melt the elastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet?? So I can lay you out on the table and
take what I want.
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread
the word.
8. You must be tired. ["Why?"] You were running through my dreams all
night.
9. That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on my bedroom floor.
10. My name's [state your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [state your name], but you can call me "Lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck??
13. What do you say we go out for a pizza and then a fuck?? ["No."] You
don't like pizza??
(Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "Okay.")
14. Can I flirt with you??
15. Your dad must've been a Baker, 'cause you got a nice set of buns.
16. [Look at his/her shirt tag. When they say, "What are you doing?"]
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
17. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
18. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me??
19. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
20. [Grab his/her ass.] Pardon me, is this seat taken??
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can you give me directions? ["To where?"] Your heart.
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How 'bout you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up.
25. Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. How 'bout you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes.
28. [Tap your thigh.] You just think this is my leg.
29. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/shirt/article of clothing]. Can I
talk you out of it?
30. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
31. I hope you know CPR 'cause you take my breath away.
32. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
33. My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
MORE PICK UP LINES
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you
would cum."
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would
you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
(No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
You know, I'd really love to f**k your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you
knew...
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
He: "What was that?"
She: "What was what?"
He: "That sound."
She: "I didn't hear anything."
He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Open letter to Tax Payers.
Dear Tax Payers: The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has
not taxed is your Pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the
time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed
off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is
employed but operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two
dependents and they are both nuts. Accordingly, after March 1,
1986, your Pecker will be taxed, based on its size, using the
Pecker-Checker Scale. Determine your category and insert the
additional tax under "Other Taxes", Page 2, Part V, line 69 of your
Standard Income Tax Return.
PECKER - CHECKER SCALE
10-12 inches* / Luxury Tax............... $50.00
8-10 inches / Pole Tax................. $25.00
6-8 inches / Privilege Tax............ $15.00
4-6 inches / Nuisance Tax............. $5.00
* Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should be filed under
"Capital Gains".
NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO
NOT ASK FOR EXTENSION !
Very truly yours,
Your Tax Woman
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent..........12
Without partner's consent......187
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off..................35
Expression didn't change.........0.5
Birds sang: large birds..........7
: small birds..........5
Earth moved....................150
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands.............7
Using one trembling hand........36
Ripping off.....................80
Lifting partner.................15
Dragging partner on floor.......16
Using skateboard.................3
PULLING OUT:
Before orgasm....................0.5
During orgasm.................1000
After orgasm.....................4
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man...........2.5
Losing erection.................14
Searching for it...............115
PENIS ENVY:
For a woman......................6
For a man......................350
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection....................1.5
Without erection...............300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced......................6
Inexperienced...................73
If a man does it...............680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps watering plants.....................5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay..14
Partner goes to bathroom for 7th time............12
Partner taking phone calls........................7
Partner making phone calls.......................45
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top,woman in kitchen..............50
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission..55
American- Both on top.............................60
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse................60
By your spouse....................100
Explaining........................300
Remaining Calm....................440
Leaping from bed..................100
Dressing in one motion............500
Quick thank-you.....................6
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing............................7
Sliding around......................9
Serious skidding...................12
Whiplash...........................27
Moaning............................20
Sustained Moaning.................200
Piercing Screams..................400
Drag nails across partner's back...70
ORGASM:
Real...........................27
Faked.........................160
Mutual........................400
Machine-inflicted.............140
Without partner's consent.....187
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
By pressing the numbers on your telephone you can play the following
songs:
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321
or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121
Louie Louie
222 55 666 22
================================================================================
POLITICS MADE SIMPLE
____________________
Do you have trouble understanding politics? If so, the following
primer (thanks to the Manitoban - University of Manitoba) should clear it
up for you. No bull.
Socialism - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
Communism - You have two cows. Give both to the government.
The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Facism - You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government shoots one cow, milks the other,
and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows. Steal another one.
Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one cow. Get the government to
give you a new cow. Now give them both away.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*********************************************************************
Reasons Why A Three Week Old Dog Turd
Is Better Than A Woman
*********************************************************************
1. A dog turd doesn't ask to borrow your car, then total it because it was putting lipstick on in he rearview mirror.
2. A dog turd doesn't knee you in the tailbone full force when you sleep with it.
3. A dog turd won't get pissed when you stand it up for a date with something prettier.
4. A dog turd won't get pissed when you TELL it that you stood it up for something prettier.
5. Dog turds don't knee you in the nuts.
6. Dog turds won't torch your cherry '68 Dodge Charger...
7. Dog turds won't get hysterical in public, and scream about how small your dick is, to the whole movie theater...
8. Three week old dog turds smell better than a pussy that hasn't been washed in three weeks.
9. Dog turds won't sick their 250 pound brothers(with his 50 pound pipe wrench) on you.
10. Dog turds don't go "on the rag", and treat you worse than what they got stuck up their cunts.
11. Dog turds don't start shit with other guys, then expect you to finish it with a battle to the dath(usually yours).
12. Dog turds don't fuck up when you ask them to tie your surfboard to the top of your car...so tha when you're driving down the freeway it falls off and gets nuked by the semi behind you...
13. Dog turds don't call you EVERY NIGHT and cry about how you don't want to spend time with them.
14. Dog turds don't talk shit about you(no pun intended).
15. You can kill a dog turd when you get pissed at it.
16. Dog turds don't expect you to "treat" their girlfriends too.
17. Dog turds don't unknowingly tell their psychotic cop dads about all those neat free games you prated...
18. And last, but certainly not least: A dog turd won't slap you in the face thinking you won't hi it back, out of chivalry(yeah right!)
Another Fine Product From:
>BluddyRose Software<
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Banana Peel and
The Garbage Can
P R E S E N T
50 EXTENDED USES FOR A DEAD RUBBER !
____________________________________
Well, it's time we all learned
how to be conservative with our
every-day "things". Here is a
text file that will teach you how
to do just that! Well, that's all
for now, I'll let you read the
text file now. Later!
____________________________________
! #1[> A good old coinpurse.
! #2[> Grandma's doush bag.
! #3[> An infant's everyday shoes.
! #4[> Toungue warmer for FAGS.
! #5[> Doornob grip.
! #6[> Fingerpuppet for preschooler.
! #7[> Disk drive cover.
! #8[> Trash bag for a midget.
! #9[> Baby-bottle nipple.
!#10[> Museum exibit.
!#11[> Playboy's nipple cover.
!#12[> A muzzle for the dog.
!#13[> Faggot chewing gum.
!#14[> Slingshot.
!#15[> Ear warmer.
!#16[> K-mart brand wedding ring.
!#17[> Table leg scuff protecter.
!#18[> Finger trampoline.
!#19[> Watch band.
!#20[> Swatch-guard.
!#21[> Teacher repellent.
!#22[> Fly-paper.
!#23[> Baby hat.
!#24[> Garter belt.
!#25[> Water weenie.
!#26[> A full size Madonna shirt.
!#27[> Dildo cover for carrot stick.
!#28[> Hamster's home.
!#29[> Bird bath.
!#30[> Light buld color changer.
!#31[> 100% U.S RDA for FAGS.
!#32[> Hookers proof-of-purchase.
!#33[> Candle "stick" holder.
!#34[> Straight jacket for Tatoo.
!#35[> BJ protecter.
!#36[> Mouse trap.
!#37[> Pet play-toy.
!#38[> Atari joystick.
!#39[> Zip-Lock freezer bag.
!#40[> Cobra-Commander mask.
!#41[> Necklace charm.
!#42[> Earing.
!#43[> Headphone speaker protecter.
!#44[> Colgate Pump(Comes out easy).
!#45[> Jock-strap.
!#46[> Elbow or knee pad.
!#47[> Tampax Tampon.
!#48[> Disk jacket.
!#49[> Pencil eraser.
!#50[> Transformer.
=---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------=
A presentation of the Brown Bag!
SHIT HAPPENS
GHOST SHIT - The kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the
toilet paper, but there's no shitin the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET SHIT - The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still
feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your ass
and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.
SECOND WAVE SHIT - The kind where you're done shitting, you've already
wiped your ass and pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize
that you have to shit some more.
POP A VAIN IN YOUR HEAD SHIT - The kind where you strain so much to
get it out you feel like you practically have a stroke.
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - The kind where you shit so much you feel
like you lost at least 30 pounds.
CORN SHIT - Self explanatory.
LINCOLN LOG SHIT - The kind of shit that is so huge that you are
afraid that it will not flush down unless you break it into pieces
with the toilet brush.
DRINKER'S SHIT - The kind of shit that you have in the morning after
a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid
mark left on the bottom of the toilet.
GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT - The kind where you want to shit but
all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT - The kind where it hurts so much coming out that
you swear that it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEK SHIT - The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that
your ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
QUICK SHIT - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your ass and splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl and
under the toilet seat.
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - A class all of it's own.
OTTOMAN SHIT - The kind where to odor creeps out of the bathroom and
throughout the building to make everyone sick or near evacuation.
================================================================================
Infamous
The Shit List
- Ghost Shit -
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but
there's no shit in the toilet.
- Teflon Coated Shit -
Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even
feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for
the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it.
- Gooey Shit -
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times
and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
you underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid
marks in the toilet.
- Second Thought Shit -
You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to
stand up when you realize it...you've got to shit more.
- Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -
This is the kind of shit that killed
Elvis. It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty,
trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
- Richard Simmons Shit -
You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.
- Right Now Shit -
You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has
it's head out before you get your pants down.
- Green Shit -
Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
- King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -
This shit is so big that you know it won't
go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat
hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's
house.
- Cork Shit aka Floaters -
Even after the third flush, it's still
floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also
usually happens at someone else's house.
- Wet Cheeks Shit -
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
that gets your ass all wet.
- Wish Shit -
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit.
- Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
- Snake Shit -
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
and at least 3 feet long.
- Mexican Food Shit aka Screamers -
You'll know it's alright to eat
again when your asshole stops burning.
- Beer Drunk Shit -
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's
someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of
shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
- Burning Ass Shit -
Self explanitory. Usually occurs after eating Burning
Mouth Indian food.
- Firecracker Shit -
This shit comes out in little explosions. Like a string of
firecrackers. Just when you think the last blew, wait, there's
more shit to come. Interspersed with flagellations.
- Volcano Shit -
Not liquid and not solid, this shit sort of emerges from your
ass in a continuous flow. Usually happens when you are in a hurry or
ate Indian food the night before.
- Nuclear Shit -
One huge King Kong log explosion followed by a solid
outpouring of shit in varying textures and densities. Asshole
radiates for awhile afterwards.
- Shy Shit -
Combination of Wish Shit and Second Thought Shit. It's going to
come out. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's NOT. Best bet is to force
to become the Pop A Vein in Your Forehead Shit.
- Sex Shit -
Incredible urge to deficate caused by increased movement of
internal organs due to the act of sex. This shit kind of sneaks up
on you. Your never quite sure whether it will emerge in solid or
gaseous state.
- SHIT! Shit -
This shit gives you ample warning of it's impending arrival.
Yet, you are still unable to find ac(commode)ations. Usually on long
airline flights with equally long latrine lines, during traffic, in the
middle of a conference or meeting. If serviced early enough, it is
Teflon shit. If late enough, Cement Block Shit.
- Baby Shit -
Self explanatory. Output often more attractive and seemingly
palatable then input. Comes in a variety of colors and textures.
- SLOW Shit -
Much like Shy Shit except you have the feeling of continuous,
albeit miniscule progress. Coaxing and straining does not help.
Get a good book and relax. This shit is in no hurry.
- AcId ShIt -
Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting
the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from
the looks of this shit, it must have been something really gnarly.
May come in colors, might just seem that way. Spend more time
admiring it then delivering it.
(rear) End.
Remember, the politically correct term for Shit is:
Nutritionally Challenged Output
====================================================================================
"We laugh because it hurts so much" Michael V. Smith
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Head Honcho
presents
:::: Tits for Free ::::
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I want my MTV
Money for nothing
and
The tits for free
=================
Sure,everyone can get tits.Just go
down to Rush Street and look for some
hookers and for only $200 you can
fuck your brains out for one hour,but
if you just want tits and you're kinda
short on cash,read on...
High School
*************
Almost everyone who has a modem is in
high school and you go there almost
everyday so why not have some fun while
you're there. Whenever you get the
craving for some nice round soft tits
you virtually surrouded by them all over
school.
One way is when you're walking in
between those door frames.
===========
! ! !
! ! !
! ! !
! ! !
^^ Like this ^^
Well when you see a real good looking
girl coming down the hallway with some
nice tits walk through the same way
she goes and it'll get crowded so you'll
both have to turn sideways and when she
does her tits will be against your
chest.Step forward for an ever better
feel. Oh what a feeling!
Crowds
********
When you're in a large crowd such as
at a concert or maybea fair at your
local high school you can find lots of
tits. Look for some great looking girl
in the middle and walk through the crowd
pretending to get to the front.While
you're doing it go past her and try to
sqeeze in between her tits and the
person next to her. If you can try to
get your face in her tits.
Tall Girls
************
Look for some tall girls with big tits
wherever you can find them.In large
groups if possible. Try to walk right
next to them and if you're luck you'll
get your face right in her tits since
she's so tall.
Pushing
*********
Get a friend to help you for this one.
Look for a girl you'd like to get your
hands on. Walk by her with your arms
against your chests like...
\\\\! !////
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
! ! ! !
so your palms are facing outward from
you.Tell your friend to push you into
her and while you bump into her feel her
tits with your hands.Not too long or she
might get suspicious.
Hookers
*********
Ask them for 'samples' of their
bodies and start feeling them all over.
Be careful no pimp is around or you
could find yourself in big trouble or
out of a lot of money.Go for little
girls like 14 yr olds cause they usually
can't do shit about it.
Looking
*********
Ok some people are chicken shit so they
won't do that kind of stuff.Well if
you're that kinda person try looking,or
if you're just curious how big the new
students tits are or something,take a
look.
Try to get a seat in the classroom
right behind her.Look at her ass if you
want but it's better to go for the
tits.Stand up slowly and while you're
doing it look down her shirt.Go to the
garbage can or ask the teacher for help
or maybe the pencil sharpener so you can
keep doing it each time without her
getting suspicious.
If you get friendly with her try
tickling her as if you're just teasing
and maybe you'll 'accidently' feel her
tits.
A seat behind her on the bus would be
great for watching. If you have a
backpack or a bag put it on the seat and
sit on it so you can get a higher view
and you can look right down her shirt.If
she has a bowtie or something offer to
tie it or maybe say you want to learn
how to tie a bowtie.While you're
reaching over to fix it just keep
looking down her shirt while you're
doing it.
Peeping Tom
*************
Got a nice looking next-door neighbor?
Get your binoculars out and look at her
bedroom window.Good hours to look are
around 9:00-10:00pm,depending on her
bedtime. Also in the morning when she
is dressing.Try getting your movie or
vcr camera and direct it toward the
'target area'.Leave it on for a few
hours or so.If possible look through
the bathroom window also.Bribe her
if possible.Threaten her anonymously by
calling and telling her to remove her
clothes or be hurt.
Locker Rooms
**************
Yes,an old trick.Try to hide in towel
bins or closets. Staying in the bathroom
of the locker is good.While they think
some other girl is in there taking a
shit or changing her tampon take a peek
at all the curvaceous nude bodies
occupying the locker room. If you look
like a little kid go in the women's
locker room at the local YMCA or
something. Wait near the door during
games so while they're coming out just
take a peek inside. Enter any adjoining
rooms such as gym offices and
'accidently' open the door connecting
the two rooms as if you didn't know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
one liners!
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
to tell such LIES!
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
It is hard to fly with the eagles
When you work with the turkeys.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Teamwork is vital!
(It gives you someone to blame.)
If everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane!
Every time I lose weight,
It finds me again!
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
don't know where to go to erase it.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
The best things in life are for a fee.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
All work and no play,
will make you a manager.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
Whatever happened to the good old days
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Remember, even if you win the rat race -
you're still a rat.
+++
-We have them just where they want us.
-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for
last.
-Love means telling you why you're sorry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Limerick rhimes
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
My nookie days are over-
my pilot light is out,
what used to be my sex appeal-
is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own record-
from my trousers it would spring,
but now I've got a full time job-
to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing-
the way it would behave,
for every single morning-
it would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches-
it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head,
and watch me tie my shoes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUR LITTLE FRIEND "ROBBIE RUBBER" REMINDS US TO:
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Before you blaster, guard your bushmaster.
4. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you ain't going to sack it, go home and whack it.
10. Before you bag her, cover your dagger.
11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
12. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
13. Save embarrassment later - cover your gater.
14. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
15. If you go into heat, package your meat.
16. If you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up your trouser mouse.
18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
19. In December, gift wrap your member.
20. She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus.
21. A Trojaned hoss gathers no moss.
22. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
23. The right selection? Sack that erection.
24. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
25. Befo' the van start rockin' cover it with a stockin'.
26. A crank with armor will never harm her.
27. Before you disrobe, cover your probe.
----------------------------------------------
21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
1 EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2 SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3 CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4 TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5 INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6 CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7 WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8 FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.
9 ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10 CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11 SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed.
12 PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13 DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14 TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15 EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16 FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17 LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18 DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
19 DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20 CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
21 RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
-------------------------------------------------
100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/She goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around.
Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
----------------------------------------------
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
==================================================================================
:-) Joking or sarcastic face
:-} Fiendish grin
;-) A wink
:-( Sad or angry face
|-( Late night
~/~ Stirring up trouble
:-) the normal smiling face, appended to a sentence or an article
means 'this is a joke' or 'this is supposed to make you laugh'
:-> normal smiling face with deformed lips, same as above except person who
submitted it has problems with their lips
:-{) normal smiling face with a mustache, same as #1 except submitter has
mustache
:-} normal smiling face with pretty lips, same as #1 except person that
submitted it is wearing lipstick or some other lip appearance improving
device
:-| no expression face, 'that comment doesn't phase me'
:-( sad face, 'that comment makes me sad [mad]'
;-) smiling face gets his lights punched out (could be pirate smiling
face??), submitter is a practical joker who played one too many and got beat
up
;-| no expression face gets his lights punched out, says nothing but still
gets beat up
;-( sad face gets his lights punched out, sad or mad and got beat up, or
'that makes me so mad that if I ever see you I'll punch your lights out'
:-\ popeye smiling face, for people who look like popeye
;-\ popeye gets his lights punched out
:-] biting sarcasm smiling face, used when sarcasm is intended, since we
cannot inflect our voice over the net
:-[ biting criticism smiling face, ditto for criticism
:*) drunk smiling face, for those of us who like get intoxicated before or
while reading netnews
: ) smiling face needs a nose job, no explanation necessary
: submitter is a robot (or other appropriate AI project)
:>) submitter has a big nose
:<| submitter attends an Ivy League school
:%)% submitter has acne
=:-) submitter is a hosehead
:-(*) submitter is getting sick of most recent netnews articles and is
about to vomit
:-)8 submitter is well dressed
8:-) submitter is a little girl
:-)-{8 submitter is a big girl
%-) submitter is cross-eyed
#-) submitter partyed all night
:-* submitter just ate a sour pickle
-:-) submitter sports a mohawk and admires Mr. T
(:)-) submitter likes to scuba dive
:-'| submitter has a cold
:-)' submitter tends to drool
':-) submitter accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows this morning
(-: submitter is Don Ellis from Tektronix
8:] normal smiling face except that submitter is a gorilla
%-^ submitter is Picasso
(-: submitter is left-handed
0-) submitter is an arc-welder
*:o) submitter is a Bozo
8-) submitter wears glasses
*<|:-) submitter is Santa Claus (Ho Ho Ho)
o-) submitter is a cyclops
%-) submitter with long bangs
(-) submitter needing a haircut
0-) submitter wearing scuba mask
**********
Cannot connect to outline: -) PERSON SUBMITTING IS CYCLOPS
**********
*-( Cyclops got poked in the eye
%-) person submitting has been staring at the terminal for 36 hours
B-| person submitting is wearing cheap sunglasses
P-) person submitting is getting fresh
:^( submitter has had his nose put out of joint. Useful for replying to
flames.
|-) Submitter is asleep (boredom)
.-) Submitter has one eye
'-) Submitter only has a left eye, which is closed
:=) Submitter has two noses
:-D Submitter talks too much
:-o Submitter is shocked
:-{ submitter has read too many of the toilet paper articles previous to
lunch
:-% Respondent has beard.
:-@ Respondent's beard has permanent wave *or* was drawn by Picasso.
:-# Respondent's lips are sealed.
-(:-) Submitter is the pope
:-% Respondent has beard.
:-@ Respondent's beard has permanent wave *or* was drawn by Picasso.
:-# Respondent's lips are sealed.
::-) respondent wears glasses
:-} respondent wears lipstick
{(:-) Submitter is wearing toupee.
}(:-( Submitter, wearing toupee in wind.
<|-)= Submitter is Chinese. (sorry bout that)
<|-(= Submitter is Chinese and doesn't like this article.
:-( Submitter has read too many 'smiley' articles.
___ / \ | RIP | |_____| Submitter has recently died
:-) ha ha :-( net.flame
|-) hee hee O |-) net.religion
|-D ho ho
:-> hey hey 8 :-I net.unix-wizards
:-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide
:-I hmm E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh oh >:-I net.startrek
:-P nyah nyah 3:o[ net.pets
|-P yuk
:-} beard
:-{ mustache
:-# braces
:-X bow tie
:-Q smoker
<:I dunce
(:I egghead
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8:-) glasses on forehead
:-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
:-< mad
:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
:-1 smiley bland face
:-! "
:-@ smiley face screaming
:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache
:-$smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
:-% smiley banker
:-6 smiley after eating something sour
:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
:-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
:-* smiley after eating something bitter
:-& smiley which is tongue-tied
:-9 smiley licking it's lips
:-0 smiley orator
:-( un-smiley
:-) smiley standard
smiley invisible man
(:-( unsmiley frowning
(:-) smiley big-face
):-) "
):-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
=:-) smiley punk-rocker
=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
=:-#} smiley punk with a mustache....
:-) smiley priest
:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
:-e disappointed smiley
:-t cross smiley
:-i semi-smiley
:-o smiley singing national anthem
:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
:-[ un-smiley blockhead
:-] smiley blockhead
:-{ smiley variation on a theme
:-} ditto
{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}:-) above in an updraft
:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
:-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
:-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with pince-nez glasses
:-j left smiling smilely
:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
:-l y. a. s.
:-: mutant smiley
:-\ undecided smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
:-< real sad smiley
:-> y.a.s.
:-z y.a.c.s.
:-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
:-c bummed out smiley
:-v talking head smiley
:v) left-pointing nose smiley
:-b left-pointing tongue smiley
:-/ lefty undecided smiley
:-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
:-=) older smiley with mustache
:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
:< midget unsmiley
:> midget smiley
}:^#}) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a
:-)/2 remark was only half in jest
------------------------------------------------------------------
O X Y M O R O N :
Sound of Silence
Dream Reality
Clear As Mud
Near Miss
Military Intelligence
Led Zeppelin
Perfectly Wrong
Weather Forcast
Icy Hot
Same Difference
Sun Shower
Plastic Straw
Wicked Good
Divorce Court
Postal Service
Pretty Ugly
Real Phony
Jumbo Shrimp
House Ethics
Cold as Hell
Void Where Prohibited
Plastic Silverware
TV News
Studying Together
Budget Resolution
Senatorial Courtesy
Government Worker
Small Fortune
Required Elective
Luxury Bus
Bittersweet
Peppermint
War Games
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY FIRST BOOK, A SMALL PERSONAL COLLECTION SAMPLE
OF JOKES AND HUMOR!!! I ALSO HOPE IT HAS INSPIRED YOU TO WANT MORE!
THIS IS JUST A SAMPLE OF WHAT YOU WILL FIND IN THIS MASSIVE LIBRARY OF HUMOR!
A PRICELESS COLLECTION FOR A LIFETIME OF LAUGHTER!
YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!
~ SMART ASS HUMOR ~